A couple of days ago, Pam, of Of beads and other things, gave me an award and I've been trying to figure out how to respond ever since.
It's not that I'm not grateful for the award and I'm certainly grateful for every day I wake up and draw a breath, but these last few months have been more challenging than I've wanted to share here (not that you aren't all very supportive because I've had nothing but kindness and warmth from your comments) mainly because this blog is where I come when I'm feeling good enough to write or to post photos of the few small things I've been able to do and I did not want it to be where I talked about my metastatic cancer...BUT, the fact of the matter is that I'm in a daily battle with depression and what that means in my case is that getting anything creative done is like trying to run while standing in mud up to your armpits...it's a struggle.
So getting awards or passing on memes or writing about gratitude...or just writing at all is sometimes almost impossible and usually a fight I lose...and while I really want to honor the intention of the folks who pass these things on to me, I just cannot really participate in the spirit I'd like to...
I hope it's okay to say, thanks, but no thanks? I think anyone who has or has had depression will understand...I hope everyone else does too because this blog is my link to normality and I would miss you all so much if I offended you.
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16 comments:
Been there, Bobbi. There is no way you could offend your friends. We are just grateful you are still here to share your thoughts and talents with all of us.
Arline
Hi Bobbi
These awards, any of them, are usually given in admiration of the recipient. Some people don't want them because they don't want to bother with it. Thats OK. Its OK if you don't pass it on too. For whatever reason you have, its OK. Since Pam passed it to you, she must know you as a very special person and she of all people will totally understand you post.
For me, I come here to see what you create next. I know that you are not well, and as I read your posts, I am wishing you well and hope that you are feeling better. Since you have not mentioned your illness very often, I had a sense that you were choosing not to share it here. Thats fine. Please continue to post when you feel like it. We will all continue to read, and silently cheer you on.
Bobbi,
It's ok to do what works for you. No one will be offended. Use your creative energy in ways that are meaningful to you, instead of responding to others.
Many of use are sending you good wishes and support through cyperspace.
Marty S
Crackpot Beader
what the others said. I think the awards themselves can be awkward to deal with anyway. I was sort of hoping you not having mentioned your cancer meant it had not developed. im sorry to hear you arent well, and depressed with it. i know what it is like to be depressed, so i sort of know how you feel - a little. hang in there. xx
Ditto to what everyone else has already said. I so understand wanting to keep the blog a positive place. Here's hoping for more up days than down.
I haven't been reading the blogs for long time as I have been dealing with my own devils but you seem to be dealing with your own devils better than me and I am not even dealing with a life stealing disease.
Depression is a really hard thing to cope with as it is mostly invisible to everyone else and they seem to think you should just buck up. The fact you continue to be creative is so good. I have not got to that stage yet although I did manage to bead last night for the first time in ages.
I look forward to seeing your June page and hopefully by then I will be out of this funk!
This is my 2nd try at commenting. Last time my comment was swallow into hyperspace by Google as it was too big for Google to handle, apparently. That makes me laugh, maybe there is hope for me yet!
Everyone left really good thoughts and comments. Nothing left for me to say except post when you feel like it, because we love hearing from you. I may not always leave a comment, but I do read!!! Thinking of you. Take cre of yourself.
I've been fighting depression for most of my life and I know only too well how hard it can be to do anything. I love your analogy - trying to run while standing in mud up to your armpits. It describes it perfectly.
On top of that dealing with cancer - I'm in awe that you are functioning at all! Take care and hang on.
Hang in there Bobbi, by the comments you can see and feel the love.. I hope. Thinking of you!
I want to leave a comment, but everything I try to write just sounds too trite in comparison to what you are going through. So ditto to Arline and Marty!
Nothing you do or say would ever change my feeling of friendship for you! Your honesty is so refreshing and that is an award in itself . . .
Hang in there, dear Bobbi. Please know that you are most loved by all of us.
Kathy V in NM
thanks to everyone for your kind and understanding comments...I just wanted everyone to know that I do appreciate pam's sweet intention and did not want to come off as indifferent....
and now back to our semi-regularly scheduled fiber stuff, lol!
Oh Bobbi! I am SO sorry if I left you with a sense of awkwardness or feeling uncomfortable, definitely not the spirit it was intended in! I DO admire you very much and I am grateful for YOU because you have shown me that you can live through this stuff and be creative and work through depression... I've have major depression waaaayyyy before I was ever diagnosed with cancer and totally understand how it is to wallow! Please, just accept my gratefulness for YOU and my prayers and wishes....
thanks, lisa!
oh pam...you have nothing to apologize for! I was honored by the award, just wanted you (and other folks) to know why I couldn't really get into it and pass it on!
I read your post a while ago and kind of felt like Joan C, so didn't leave a comment. But I've been thinking about it and you a lot since then, and now want to try to say something about these award things. I too have received a few of them. Even without cancer and with only mild depression, I feel akward and unwilling to participate. What IS that? I understand the positive force they can/might play in the universe and the blogging community. So what is my reluctance about? I think you are brilliant for taking it on the way you did... being grateful for it and yet not getting on the award train. Bravo!!! With gratitude for you and your post, much love and big hugs, Robin
I think just for this post you would deserve an award, because it is so honnest and wise and heartfelt ;o)
But I've also been through depression and I really understand what you mean.
I send you love.
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